Celebrity Jeopardy - X Files Style
by MulderScully'sBogusJourney
Summary: Saturday Night Live meets Alex Trebek meets our favourite agents. Or some of them, at least. Five-minute comedy sketches. NEW AND IMPROVED SECOND SKETCH (Yes, all this time you've been reading the old and inferior first one!) :)
1. Default Chapter

Author: Macavity

Author: Macavity!

Title: Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style

Spoilers: I really hope not

Feedback: [mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com][1], send with the subject ATTN: MACAVITY

Comments: If you're reading this on fanfiction.net, visit my (our) home site, Mulder and Scully's Bogus Journey at [http://msbogus.gq.nu][2].

With apologies to SNL. But not to the X Files. J

Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style 

CUE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

TREBEK: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. As I said before the break, I'd advise our viewers to change the channel. Well, we've had an amazing first round. Let's take a look at the scores. In second place, we have Alex Krycek, with a score of negative fifty thousand dollars.

KRYCEK: How could you do this to me, Trebek? I've been keeping you alive!

TREBEK: … Sure. Close behind is Monica Reyes, with an astonishing negative two million, six hundred and eighty-one thousand, nine hundred fifty-one dollars.

REYES: I'd like to thank the whales-

TREBEK: Although I'm not quite sure how one gets negative one dollars in this game. And, finally, in the lead, we have Special Agent Dana Scully, with a commanding score of zero.

SCULLY: I'm a doctor.

TREBEK: I'm sure you are. Now, let's take a look at the board for Double Jeopardy, shall we? We have "Potent Potables" (Insert the dinging "Jeopardy-Category-Appearing-On-The-Board" Sound), "Large Masses" (ditto), "Potpourri" (ditto), "Letters of the Alphabet" (ditto), "Sixteenth Century Philosophy" – 

(TREBEK looks at the contestants. Reyes is pretending to be a whale.)

TREBEK: We'll just change that one to "Colours" (ding!). "Three-Letter Words" (ding!), and, finally, "Continents That End in 'Tarctica'" (ding!) Agent Scully, your board.

SCULLY: First of all, Trebek, there is obviously no such thing as a "Potent Potable", as the laws of genetics clearly state –

TREBEK: Right. Agent Reyes?

REYES: You know, Alex, you still look just as beautiful as ever.

TREBEK: Mr. Krycek?

KRYCEK: I'll take "Large Asses" for two hundred, Bob.

TREBEK: My name's Alex.

KRYCEK (with cool menace): Why, that's my name, too.

TREBEK: Mr. Krycek, the category is "Large Masses". 

(Krycek kisses Trebek.)

TREBEK: Good Lord. Let's just take "Three-Letter Words" for four hundred dollars. And the answer is: "This three-letter word is the past tense of 'sit'." (Pause.) It starts with 'S'. (Pause.) It ends with 'T'. (Long pause.) There is an 'A' in between.

(Reyes rings in.)

TREBEK: Agent Reyes?

REYES: What is 'sit'?

TREBEK: That's not the past tense.

REYES: Nobody should be tense, Alex. What you need is some whale music…

(Krycek rings in.)

TREBEK: Mr. … Alex?

KRYCEK: Who is Alvin Kersh?

TREBEK: We're doing "Three-Letter Words", Alex, not "Large Asses".

(Scully rings in.)

SCULLY: What is 'to have parked one's buttocks on a chair, _ergo post verso_, _hoc ad sic,_ which is not to say –

TREBEK: The answer was 'sat'. The three-letter word was 'sat'.

SCULLY: That's what I said.

TREBEK: Technically, it's still Mr. Krycek's board, but as he's a maniac rat in human form, I'll just choose a category for you. Let's go with "Continents That End in 'Tarctica'" (Ahem!) "This continent ends in 'Tarctica'." (Pause.) I know for a fact you've been there, Agent Scully.

(Scully rings in.)

SCULLY: What is "North Tarctica"?

TREBEK: No.

SCULLY: Mulder and I had a case -

TREBEK: Agent Scully, there's no such continent.

SCULLY: I'd like to believe you, Trebek, but I need proof.

(Krycek rings in.)

KRYCEK: Who is Al Gore?

(TREBEK refuses to even acknowledge this answer. Reyes rings in.)

REYES: Woooooooooooooooooooo-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

TREBEK: Not even halfway close.

REYES: Damn! I had to put it in the form of a question, didn't I?

TREBEK: The answer is "Antarctica". The only continent that ends in "Tarctica" is Antarctica.

SCULLY: You'll go to any length to cover it up, won't you, Trebek?

(Reyes rings in.)

TREBEK: Yes, Ms. Reyes?

REYES: I used to be a cocker spaniel.

TREBEK: That's great.

(Krycek rings in.)

TREBEK: What do you have to say, Mr. Krycek?

KRYCEK: I just want you to know you're way out of your league here. They're coming, Bob. They're after her. And nothing can stop them.

TREBEK: … Tell you what, let's go to "Colours" for eight hundred. And the answer is: "This is your favourite colour." (No one rings in.) That is any colour. (No one rings in.) It could be blue. (No one rings in.) Or yellow. (No one rings in.) Or red. (Still with the no ringing in.) Someone please just ring in and name a colour. (You guessed it.) Any colour will do.

(Scully rings in.)

TREBEK: Thank God. Agent Scully?

SCULLY: What is purple? No, wait green! I can't remember! NOOOOOOOO! This is not happening!

(The time-out buzzer rings.)

TREBEK: And once again, the show breaks the current world record for stupidity. Well, we're out of time for this round. Time to move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is, "Antidisestablishmentarianism". (Trebek looks at the contestants. Reyes is on all fours and barking.) Let's just make a special category for you three, hmmm? The new category is "Long". For this question, you just have to write anything that's long. (The Jeopardy music starts to play and our contestants start to write.) It could be a distance. It could be a long word. Ms. Reyes, I think you'll have trouble writing with that pen between your teeth. (The music ends.) And, for the sake of tradition, let's see what you've written. Mr. Krycek, you've written… And you've eaten the paper. Lovely.

KRYCEK: Everybody has a life in their hands, Trebek. Whose do you have?

TREBEK: Monica Reyes, you were in last place. Let's see what you wrote. (Reyes has written her own name.)

REYES (smiling): It's the longest word in the dictionary. There's a mile after the "S"!

TREBEK: Moving right along, we come to Agent Scully. She was in the lead with nothing. And she wrote… Nothing.

SCULLY: Trust no one!

TREBEK: Agent Scully, this is a game. No one is out to get you.

SCULLY: Those words are familiar, Trebek. They came out of my mouth seven years ago.

TREBEK: … And that just about wraps up our game. I'm Alex Trebek, and I'm going to go put my head in an oven. Good night!

(CUE MORE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC)

***END SCENE***

   [1]: mailto:mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com
   [2]: http://msbogus.gq.nu/



	2. Celebrity Jeopardy X Files Style 2 - Mul...

Author: Macavity

Author: Macavity!

Title: Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style

Spoilers: I really hope not

Feedback: [mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com][1], send with the subject ATTN: MACAVITY

Comments: If you're reading this on fanfiction.net, visit my (our) home site, Mulder and Scully's Bogus Journey at [http://msbogus.gq.nu][2].

With apologies to SNL. But not to the X Files. J

As per many requests, here is the second chapter. Heh heh heh…

Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style – 2 

CUE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

TREBEK: … Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but, apparently, Temptation Island has been doing far too well, so I stand before you today with homicidal urges. In last place, we have Agent Fox Mulder, who is steadfastly refusing to answer any question.

MULDER: I was twelve when it happened, Trebek. My sister was eight. We slept in the same bedroom. We had since we were babies -

TREBEK: I believe we went through this before the commercial break, Agent Mulder. Five times, if I recall correctly.

MULDER: That's what they want you to think.

TREBEK: I'm sure it is. Next, with a score of – what on Earth? Mr. Langly, I believe your score was at negative fifty thousand dollars at the end of the first round. Somehow or other, during the commercial break, it seems to haverisen to two hundred and six thousand, seven hundred and three dollars.

Langly says nothing but looks extraordinarily pleased with himself. He tinkers with something behind his console and rings in. His score goes up to two hundred and six thousand, seven hundred and fifty-eight dollars.)

TREBEK: Right. And, finally, formerly in the lead with zero is our returning champion, Agent Monica Reyes. 

(Reyes rings in.)

REYES: Who is Bill Clinton?

TREBEK: The game hasn't begun yet, Agent Reyes. 

REYES: I know. I had, oh… call it a feeling.

TREBEK: The categories for Double Jeopardy are: "Potent Potables" (ding!) "Numbers" (ding!) "Animals That End In 'Angaroo'" (ding!) "Is This a Person?" (ding!) That's where I show you something and you tell me if it's a person. "Titles" (ding!) "Parts Of Your Face" (ding!) and, finally, "The Letter 'X'". Ready? Agent Mulder, it's your board.

MULDER: I'll take "Titles" for four hundred dollars.

TREBEK: And the answer is: "This book by H.G. Wells is about the invisible man."

(Mulder rings in.)

MULDER: Trebek, I've never told this to anyone at the Bureau before. When I was twelve, and my sister was eight –

(Langly rings in. His score goes up to one million, six thousand and five dollars. He sits there grinning until the buzzer goes.)

TREBEK: I'm sorry, you've run out of time.

(Trebek looks disconcerted as Langly's score goes up to two million dollars.)

TREBEK: The answer was, oddly enough, "The Invisible Man".

(Reyes rings in.)

TREBEK: Yes, Agent Reyes?

REYES: Do you believe, Mr. Trebek? In premonitions, I mean.

TREBEK: Moving right along… Agent Mulder, it's still your board.

(Mulder says nothing. He eyes his podium.)

TREBEK: Agent Mulder?

(Mulder starts shaking his podium and tries to pry off the microphone.)

TREBEK: Agent Mulder, what are you doing?

MULDER: Sssh!

(Mulder points to the microphone.)

TREBEK: Yes, it's a very lovely microphone. I can see that. Now, if you would –

(Mulder shakes his head and mouths "Bugged!".)

TREBEK: No, I assure you, Agent Mulder, that's only to –

(Mulder holds up a hand for silence. He rips the microphone off his podium and crushes it beneath his foot.)

TREBEK: … Agent Reyes, why don't you pick a category?

REYES: I'll take "Tarot and You" for six hundred dollars.

TREBEK: There's no such category.

REYES: I just had this feeling –

TREBEK: How about "Numbers" for two hundred? And the answer is: "One minus one equals this."

(No one rings in.)

TREBEK: Come on, it's not difficult. One minus one.

(No one rings in.)

TREBEK: If you have one apple, and I take away one apple, how many apples do you have left?

(Reyes rings in.)

TREBEK: Agent Reyes?

REYES: My left or your left?

TREBEK: Look, all I want you to do is say "zero". Say "What is zero?" Will someone please just say it?

(Langly rings in. His score skyrockets to three billion dollars. On closer inspection, he proves to be playing a pirated copy of Myst on his console.)

TREBEK: I don't believe this. Look, Agent Mulder, I know you're an intelligent man. You're in the FBI.

(Reyes rings in.)

REYES: Trebek, I just had an epiphany. I was a Roman general in a past life!

TREBEK: Maybe that doesn't prove anything. But you went to Oxford. Surely you must be able to tell me what you get when you take one away from one…

(The time-out buzzer goes.)

TREBEK: And I thought I disliked Sean Connery. The answer was –

MULDER: Zero, of course.

TREBEK: Agent Mulder, you could have rung in and said that.

MULDER: … Listen, Trebek, I was twelve when it happened. My sister was –

TREBEK: Eight. We know. Your sister was abducted when you were twelve. You've said it eight times.

MULDER: That kind of thing stays with you. They took her, Trebek. They took my sis-

TREBEK: I believe I want to smack you, Agent Mulder. Why don't we go right to Final Jeopardy? The category is "Julius Caesar"

REYES: I met him once at the Coliseum.

TREBEK: Wait, wait, wait. Silly me. That's not a category for our "Special" Agents. Your real category is… "Names". Just write your names. That's it. Your names. Take your special pens and write down your names. (The Jeopardy music starts to play and our contestants start to write.) Your names. You've been doing it since grade school. No, Agent Reyes, I am fairly sure you don't have to make your wager in Roman numerals. You can spell it any way you want. It's your name. (The music ends.) And, let's see what you've written. Agent Mulder was in last place and he wrote – Agent Mulder? Where are you?

(Mulder is gone. In his place stands Doggett.)

TREBEK: Who are you? Where did Agent Mulder go?

DOGGETT: Maybe I'm not Mulder. Maybe I don't see things the way he did. But, dammit, until we find 'im, I'm your contestant, and that's the way things are going to be.

TREBEK: I don't believe this. Agent Reyes was in second place before Final Jeopardy. And she wrote – nothing. All you had to do was write your name, and you wrote… nothing. I know you know your name, Agent Reyes. What's your name? Agent, what's your name?

REYES: My name is gladiator.

TREBEK: … And in first place with… well, in first place, we had Mr. Richard Langly. And he put… "Amanda Hugandkiss".

(Langly giggles.)

TREBEK: Isn't that hilarious. Mr. Langly is Amanda Hugandkiss.

(Langly giggles even harder.)

TREBEK: This is great. Just great.

REYES: Hey, hey, Langly, how about "I.P. Freely".

(Both Reyes and Langly laugh so hard they start snorting.)

TREBEK: According to the technical rules of Jeopardy, I _suppose_ Mr. Langly wins with eighty-five trillion, ninety billion and two dollars. And, by default, Agent Reyes comes in second, since Agent Mulder has… disappeared.

DOGGETT: I'll find 'im, Trebek. No matter how long it takes.

TREBEK: Yes, well, I'm Alex Trebek, and I hate my job. Good night.

CUE MORE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

***END SCENE***

   [1]: mailto:mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com
   [2]: http://msbogus.gq.nu/



	3. Celebrity Jeopardy X Files Style 3 - Dog...

Author: Macavity

Author: Macavity!

Title: Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style

Spoilers: I really hope not

Feedback: [mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com][1], send with the subject ATTN: MACAVITY

Comments: If you're reading this on fanfiction.net, visit my (our) home site, Mulder and Scully's Bogus Journey at [http://msbogus.gq.nu][2].

With apologies to SNL. But not to the X Files. J

As per many more requests, here is the third chapter. Heh heh heh…

Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style – 3 

CUE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

TREBEK: … Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Well, we've had an interesting first round. Once again, I would like to remind our contestants not to accuse high-profile government officials of being alien replacements.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: You can't fight the future.

TREBEK: I'm sure we can't. In last place, we have Special Agent John Doggett with negative five thousand six hundred dollars.

DOGGETT: A man doesn't laugh at the downfall of others, Trebek.

TREBEK: Very nice. In second place, we have CGB Spender with – Mr. Spender, I'm afraid I have to ask you to put out that cigarette. Here in the studio, we have a no-smoking policy.

CSM stares at him belligerently for a few minutes before stubbing out the cigarette.

CSM: All right, Trebek. We'll play the game with your rules. But what you do to me – what you do to this cigarette, you do to us all.

TREBEK: Right. 

Trebek surveys his last contestant.

TREBEK (hurriedly): And moving right along into the Double Jeopardy round –

REYES: Yoo hoo! Alex! I think you forgot me!

TREBEK: I can only try. And in first place, with a commanding score of zero, is Special Agent Monica Reyes.

REYES: That's me!

TREBEK: Unfortunately. And now – look, Mr. Spender, I thought I asked you to put out that cigarette.

CSM: You're foolish, Alex. Very foolish.

TREBEK: And the categories for Double Jeopardy are: "Potent Potables" (insert dinging sound here), "Words That Rhyme With Orange" (ding!), "Names That End In 'Illiam'" (ding!), "Things You Do Not Stick Up Your Nose" (ding!), "The Sun" (ding!), "Spelling"(ding!), and "What's Your Number?"(ding!). That's where I read you a telephone number, and you tell me whether or not it's yours. Agent Doggett, it's your board.

DOGGETT: I'll take "My Son" for two hundred dollars.

TREBEK: You mean, "The Sun".

DOGGETT: Dammit, my son, Trebek, my son!

TREBEK: Look, Agent Doggett, I think there's been some kind of mistake –

CSM rings in.

TREBEK: Yes, Mr. Spender?

CSM: Who is Jeffrey Spender?

TREBEK: The category is NOT "My Son"!

DOGGETT: Then what is it, Trebek? What is it? How many will it take before you give a damn?

TREBEK: The category is about the sun, Mr. Doggett. A big ball of burning gas billions of -

CSM rings in.

TREBEK: Mr. Spender, I'm trying to –

CSM: Who is Fox Mulder?

TREBEK: No! There is no "My Son"! There is no son of any sort here!

Doggett vaults over his podium and slams Trebek against the wall by his shirt front.

DOGGETT: STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL LIFE, TREBEK! YOU HEAR ME?

CSM rings in. Doggett lets Trebek go and walks back to his spot, casting angry glances over his shoulder.

CSM: Who is Walter Skinner?

TREBEK (as he rubs his throat gingerly): What kind of a sex fiend are you? 

CSM: It's men like you who keep the American public the way it is.

Trebek surveys his contestants. Doggett and CSM glower at him.

TREBEK: I never thought I'd hear myself say this but – Agent Reyes, why don't you choose a category?

REYES: I'll take –

TREBEK: On second thought, I'll do it for you. How about "Names That End In 'Illiam'" for four hundred dollars? And the answer is: "This is the only real name that ends in 'Illiam'". (There is a long pause. No one rings in.) It begins with a "W". (No one rings in.) I happen to know someone you all know recently had a son and named him this.

DOGGETT: Had a son? Are you trying to rub it in, Trebek? Because a man doesn't –

TREBEK: I'm not making any reference to your son, Agent Doggett.

DOGGETT: I've had just about enough out of you, Trebek…

TREBEK: Okay, okay, perhaps we should backtrack. I happen to know you all know someone – a very small someone – who has this name.

Reyes rings in.

REYES: What is "Frohike"?

TREBEK: No.

REYES: But you said "small"…

DOGGETT: Hey! "Frohike" doesn't rhyme with "Illiam"!

TREBEK: And it isn't the correct answer.

REYES: It does in the metaphysical sense.

TREBEK: The answer is not "Frohike"! 

DOGGETT: Then what is it, Trebek? Because, frankly, you're asking me to believe –

TREBEK: And the name that rhymes with "Illiam" is, of course, "William".

REYES: Aha! A trick question!

TREBEK: What? Sure, Agent Reyes, a trick question. Mr. Spender, would you please put out that cigarette?

CSM: You're damning yourself, Alex.

CSM stubs out his Morley's.

TREBEK: And let's move on to Final Jeopardy (Trebek looks up at the set manager) – what? What do you mean we still have time for one more category? (Trebek sighs.) I hate my life. Why don't we take "Spelling" for eight hundred dollars? And the answer is: "This is how you spell 'FBI'."

CSM rings in.

TREBEK: Yes, Mr. Spender?

CSM: What is "J-E-L-L-O"?

TREBEK: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Agents Doggett and Reyes, do either of you -

CSM: Is it? Is it really?

TREBEK: As a matter of a fact, it is. Agents –

CSM: You learn a lot from watching people, Trebek.

TREBEK: Is that so? I'm sure it must be very interesting. Now, Agents –

DOGGETT: Just hold on there a minute, Trebek. I think he wants to say something.

CSM: You know it's the answer, Alex – you just won't let yourself admit it. You've always been attracted to difficult questions.

TREBEK: No, I'm fairly certain "FBI" is not spelled J-E-L-L-O.

CSM: You say that now, but are you sure?

TREBEK: Yes.

DOGGETT: Maybe, Trebek. Or maybe you just didn't know that question as well as you thought you did.

CSM: It's men like you responsible for the gigantic conspiracy enveloping this country.

REYES: Come on now, Alex, there's always room for J-E-L-L-O!

TREBEK: For the love of humanity, keep your mouths shut!

Doggett breaks down.

DOGGETT: I'm sorry… it's just that, if it's true, if… then I didn't do everything I could have to get him back.

TREBEK: Agent Doggett, while I sympathize with your situation, I really don't see how spelling "FBI" J-E-L-L-O could have helped at all in successfully returning your son alive.

CSM: Can't you? Can't you really?

TREBEK: And moving right along, it's finally time for Final Jeopardy – thank God. And the category is… "Nothing". All you have to do is write nothing. (The Jeopardy music starts to play and our contestants… _don't_ start to write.) That's right. In order to answer this question correctly, all you have to do is sit there and stare into space. You can do anything you want, as long as that pen doesn't touch paper. You would need to have the IQ of a rock to get this wrong. (The music ends.) And now, we'll see how you got it wrong. Agent Doggett, you were in last place. Let's see what you put. Agent Doggett? Agent Doggett?

Doggett is staring into emptiness.

DOGGETT: I see him, Trebek. I saw his body, and, suddenly, it was ashes…

TREBEK: I see. We'll just leave Agent Doggett to his acid flashback and move right along to Mr. Spender. And… dear God, his podium's on fire!

CSM: Is it? Is it really?

TREBEK: I thought I told you to put out those cigarettes!

CSM: Did you, Alex? It's men like you who –

TREBEK: All right, fine. Fine. I don't care anymore. Next, we had Agent Reyes. And she put… Agent Reyes, you seem to have written… _something_. The category was "Nothing" and you wrote something. What does that say? "Monica"? Agent, why did you write your name on the paper?

REYES: I didn't want to lose it.

TREBEK: Oh, you've lost it, all right. Well, it appears that, once again, a perfectly enthusiastic studio audience has been gravely disappointed in their favourite television show characters. I'm Alex Trebek, and I'm going to go see if they have an opening on "Wheel of Fortune". Good night.

CUE MORE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

***END SCENE***

   [1]: mailto:mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com
   [2]: http://msbogus.gq.nu/



End file.
